How to Discipline Your Child, at Home and in the Classroom

Children come into this world helpless and unable to thrive without us. Our job is to love and nurture them and to teach them how to live and become useful members of society. Discipline means “to teach and train”. We, as parents and teachers, need to learn how to acquire the skills that will accomplish the goal we set for ourselves–that of helping the child learn to control and set standards for himself.

There are several ways we can “make” children behave. One is by using force. Another is by using fear. Still another is by punishment. Unfortunately, these three methods imply that the caregiver is superior and should overpower the child. Rather than leading to a child with inner control, they make the child angry, resentful, fearful, and dependent upon force.

There is another way to discipline children. Though it may not appear to get the immediate results we might like, it is safer, more natural, and more humanistic. It is based on the assumption that children are by nature good, fair, and honest, and ultimately capable of responding to that which is good, fair, and honest within us. This method is to treat the child with respect. It is treating the child as if he is as important a human being as you are. It is treating him with the same respect with which you wish for him to treat others, you, and himself. We can treat our children with respect by using discipline techniques that teach them self-control and responsibility.

Discipline Techniques that Often Backfire:

• embarrassing
• humiliating
• spanking (physical punishment) (see comments on spanking in other articles on website)
• repeating commands
• pleading, begging
• ordering
• taking away favored things (unless as a consequence to negative behavior)
• punishing psychologically
• engaging in power struggles
• rewarding misbehavior
• giving in to undue commands
• allowing child to manipulate adults
• saying what you don’t mean
• expecting child to read your mind
• allowing dangerous, destructive, embarrassing behavior to continue
• nagging
• labeling
• arguing
• threatening
• being vague
• fussing
• being inconsistent
• losing your cool
• making child feel guilty

Discipline Techniques that Work:

• following through with what you say (which means you have to be reasonable in what you tell a child–don’t threaten to take away something you have no intention of taking) This means saying things like, “You can’t watch TV for a month!” “You’re grounded until you are 18!” More reasonable would be, “You can’t watch your shows on TV for the rest of the day. You can watch what I am watching if you want to watch TV.” “You did (whatever). You can’t have your friends over this weekend until you (consequence).”
• modeling appropriate behavior (none of the “do as I say, not as I do” nonsense. If you want your child to not hit/throw, you don’t hit/throw. Follow your own rules.) If house rules are “no food other than in the kitchen or dining room”, don’t be caught with a bag of chips and a soda in the living room or your bedroom.
• clearly stating expectations before child has engaged in undesirable act. When your children are old enough, sit down and tell them what behaviors are undesirable, and then list what they are expected to do, and what the consequence will be if they continue the behavior. Then follow through. Work on only 2-3 things at a time. So, if the expected behavior is lights out at 8pm, and the consequence is a 15 minute earlier bedtime the following evening, follow through. If a child is expected to finish his dinner before dessert, and he doesn’t finish, no dessert. Or snacks later in the evening.
• rewarding positive behavior and ignoring negative behavior (except when dangerous, destructive, or embarrassing). If a child does something positive without being asked, thank him for it. Praise goes a long way. For example, if a child begs for a snack right before dinner every night, ignore the bad behavior. However, the first night he DOESN’T do it, praise him and thank him for being so polite.
• providing consequence for misbehavior immediately after undesirable act is performed. If possible. If not immediately possible, then as soon as is feasible. Don’t let too much time go by before the consequence sets in. Children have short memories.
• removing child from the situation. Going to another room in the house, leaving the playground, walking away, if possible. When out one afternoon in a restaurant, I had to take a child outside the building to let her finish her tantrum and stop screaming. I hate misbehaving children in restaurants, so I wasn’t about to let mine disrupt others. Definite inconvenience to me, but I kept telling her that if she wanted to go back and be with the others, she had to stop screaming.
• being consistent. Don’t mix up the rules, or switch out consequences. And every time a bad behavior takes place, apply the consequences. Always. Don’t feel sorry for your child because they are having a bad day. I’m not allowed to kick and scream and say bad words when I have a bad day at work. They can’t be allowed to kick and scream and say bad words because their day isn’t all peaches and cream.
• being firm yet kind/fair. You are the parent. You are not their friend. Once you made a decision, be firm and stick to your guns. Don’t waffle. No “maybe’s”. But be kind. Keep repeating, “You are not allowed to do/say that.” No yelling or screaming at your child. If you have to, no eye contact either. Make sure your child knows you are not pleased with them. Also, no physical punishment. If you have to restrain a child, do so with only as much force as you have to in order to keep them safe.
• giving a child a choice only when you intend to accept that choice (set out two sets of clothes for the morning, let a child choose bedtime story, give a choice between two healthy snacks). Otherwise stick to your guns. Don’t ask a child if she will let a doctor examine her. If she says “NO!”, then where are you? Doctor has to look at the child. Now you are holding down a screaming, uncooperative child. And let them know what to expect if you are going to the doctor’s or dentist’s office or in for surgery. Tell them your expectations for their behavior. Like getting undressed, opening their mouths, having strange people check them out. Do NOT make the doctor out to be the bad guy. “If you don’t take your medicine, I’ll make the doctor give you a shot.” If you are aware that your child may be receiving shots that day, tell them. Don’t lie. “Oh, it won’t hurt a bit.” Then your child will never trust you again. Tell them, “Yes, you are getting shots. They sting going in, and then we can rub them and make the sting feel better. Then we can put ice on the spot when we get home.” ” You can cry, it’s okay to cry when we have to do something you don’t like or you’re scared. But you can’t fight the doctor or the nurse. They are here to help. And it won’t hurt as much if you don’t fight.”  Or take a little ice with you in a baggie to help out. Never lie and tell them you are taking them to Grandma’s when you are actually taking them someplace really scary. Like the hospital. Assure them that you will be with them as long as the doctor will let them. If they are having surgery, tell them they will feel funny when they wake up, but you’ll be sitting there with them.  After having dealt with children who have been lied to, I can tell you that it is so much more traumatizing to children than when you have told them the truth and what to expect. They are expecting hot chocolate and Grandma’s snuggley bosom. Instead, you have brought them to a strange place with bright lights and scary strangers all converging on them.  Don’t think, as an adult, I’d like that much. Waking up in jail instead of my soft bed.
• making the child feel worthwhile, liked, and successful. Compliment, compliment, compliment. Don’t overdo it, but positive reinforcement is much better than anything negative.  A pat on the head, a giant hug, thank-you’s, “good job” are all good. Even a smile can go a long way, or a thumb’s up. Made a homerun? High fives at the dugout. Touchdown? Do that weird wiggly dance some of the pros do.
• providing when/then statements; “when you have…then you may” “When you have picked up your bedroom, then you may watch TV.
• abuse it/lose it (if child is banging a toy, the toy gets taken away)
• redirecting misbehavior. Distraction works wonders. Toddler heading for the DVD player? Wave Fluffy Bunny at him. Dropping match-box cars in the toilet? Take him to his bedroom or elsewhere for another toy. Or make him get the cars out of the toilet with your supervision, then wash hands and redirect to another activity.
• shaping non-existing behaviors. This involves encouraging behaviors that you expect, but aren’t happening yet. Like picking up toys. Or sitting quietly at the dinner table. A lot of times this means training your child to do what you want him to do. When your child gets the idea of what you want him to do, then you can start applying consequences if it doesn’t happen (or does happen). Make sure your child knows what you expect of him. If he has no clue what you want, then both of you will become very frustrated.

How to Stop Misbehavior in the Classroom: (although can also be tried at home)

• Yellow Card: Warning. Return when ready.
• Green Card: Return when given permission.
• Blue Card: Write/think about behavior. If old enough, develop a way to improve.
• Red Card: Remove from room. This could mean a trip to the office, or a call home to parents depending on the guidelines at the school. At home, this means being placed in a child-safe room with no distractions (ie toys, computers, etc) and checked frequently. For example, sitting quietly on a chair at the table while you fix dinner/clean up kitchen, or sitting on the floor in another room while you clean, etc.

What to do in the Grocery Store to Help a Child Behave

• Give child a responsibility (ie match coupons with labels)
• Ignore inappropriate behavior unless it is dangerous, destructive, or embarrassing to you or a bother to others.
• Remove child to a private place to discuss misbehavior. Never discipline a child in public if at all possible. Bathroom stalls are great places.
• Praise another child’s appropriate behavior. Although this can backfire if the other child is a sibling.
• Play a game with the child (ie Let’s count all the tennis shoes we see on people’s feet.)
• Discuss the rules before entering the store. Also discuss what the consequences will be for misbehaving. For example, if the child keeps wandering off, the consequence will be that he has to stay with you with one hand on the basket at all times.
• Bring a nutritious snack for child to eat during the shopping. Do not encourage getting something like grapes and eating them as you go. This is a form of theft, especially if the cost is based on weight.  Or opening a box in the store and munching on it while you shop, even if you pay for it at the cash register. This can teach a child that it is okay to do this in other places that are not home.
• Bring a story book for the child to look at.
• Select a secret word or signal which you can both use to get the immediate attention of the other.
• Don’t let the child out of your sight. Can be really difficult if you are in a clothes section of Wal-Mart and they are playing under the hanging clothes. Don’t tell them that they have to keep you in sight all the time. They can do that while being amongst clothes. Believe me, been there, done that. I usually find them by following giggles.
• Reinforce appropriate behavior. Say things like “Thank you for behaving so nicely while I was talking to the cashier. It got us out of the store faster.” Or, “Thank you for not asking for candy/gum/toys while we were shopping.”
• Bring a favorite toy, blanket, etc to help make him feel secure. When my kids were younger, they carried stuffed animals with them everywhere–to the store, restaurants, traveling, Disneyland….
• Don’t bring children who are tired or hungry to the store. You don’t want you to be tired or hungry either. Make sure everyone is rested and has eaten.
• Role play at home how to act at the grocery store. You can be the misbehaving pre-schooler and ask your child how she would discipline you.
• Sing songs to him.
•  Give child something of yours to play with–keys, pocket book, phone, etc.
• Tell child you will have to leave him at home next time, then do it. Leave him with a spouse, a babysitter, grandma, a friend, or if your child is in daycare, do your shopping before you pick him up, or drop off early, if you can, and get it done then. Maybe casually tell your child that you were sorry he couldn’t come with you because of his previous misbehavior.
• Stop unacceptable behavior as soon as it occurs. If you have a consequence, use it then. If your child is knocking stuff off of shelves, make him pick it all up and put it back neatly. Don’t leave the area until he has done so. Not advisable, but if you have to leave your cart in the middle of the aisle and leave the store, do so.
• Don’t ever buy the child a treat from the store where he threw a fit. Ever. You are just awarding bad behavior. Don’t promise McDonald’s if they behave. That is bribery, and your child will come to expect it. Plus extra calories you’ll have to work off. If you are pleased with their behavior, an occasional unexpected trip to McDonald’s would be a nice, unexpected reward for them.
• Wear comfortable shoes and clothes to the grocery store (both parent and child).
• As your child is able, let him comparative shop for you. Most stores have the total price, then things like price/ounce, etc. I made my kids do math in stores, in their heads. I also make them figure up tips at restaurants in their heads as well.
• Discuss pictures on the grocery items. Especially ones already in your cart. Have your kids make up stories about the characters on cereal boxes.
• Take an older child to help you. Mainly to distract the younger child.
• Let the child know it is a privilege to go shopping with you, not a right. If he abuses the privilege, he has to earn the ability to go to the store with you back.

How to Build Your Child’s Self-Esteem:

• Show children that you like them by smiling at them, hugging them, and speaking to them in a positive way. As a parent, you should be telling them daily that you love them.
• Read out loud together as a family. Books, labels, backs of DVD’s, signs. My kids learned colors by playing Slug Bug. They had to say Slug Bug, and then the color. If they got the color wrong, I stole the Slug Bug from them. (And if you don’t know what Slug Bug is, I really feel sorry for you. We really don’t slug each other.)
• Use positive reinforcement to encourage responsible behavior. Children need to learn how to take responsibility for their actions. This means learning honesty. I have always told my children I’d rather them tell me the truth rather than me finding out about a lie. The consequences for lying are always way worse than the consequences for telling the truth. And then you have to regain my trust as well. They also need to learn how to suffer the consequences of their actions. Good action, good consequence. Bad action, bad consequence. They had to learn that they couldn’t just take the credit for all the good things they did. Or try to take credit for something they didn’t do. All actions have a reaction. And yes, kids don’t always make the best of decisions. But that is the only way they are going to learn. The good with the bad. Life is life, and life is not always fair. The sooner they learn that, the better.
• Help them to learn responsibility by requiring them to complete tasks. I was taught, and I taught my children, “If you are going to do something, do it right the first time. If you don’t do it right, I’m going to require you do it over again. And again, and again until you get it right. Don’t waste my time and your time by doing only half a job.” When they get out into the real world, their boss will require them to do a good job. Learning as a child that good work is expected helps.
• Set aside a time each day to spend with each child individually. At least 10 minutes per child. This could be at bedtime reading a story, during bath time, before or after doing homework, etc. If nothing else, ask them about their day. Turn off all distractions–phone, TV, radio, etc. Make this quality time.
• Help children to develop organizational skills by providing space for toys, books, schoolwork, etc. A desk and a bookshelf in their bedroom works wonders. Don’t allow TV’s in bedrooms. Show them how to alphabetize. Show them how to separate their notes out by classes. If you have them putting away dishes, show them where they go and how to stack them.
• Help them to discover their own special gifts by letting them develop an interest in activities such as sports, music, dance, drama, etc.
• Encourage their independence. Give them choices if that is possible. Let them help decide the activity for the day. Dress themselves. Get them an alarm clock so they can learn how to get up in time for school. Fix simple snacks.
• Get to know their teachers. And trust their teachers. If they come to you with an issue, listen to them. Don’t automatically go on “defense” mode. Children aren’t always little angels. One parent/teacher conference my son’s teacher asked, “Has there been anything different going on at home?” As I turned to look at my son, who is all of a sudden squirming in his seat, I said, “No. Why?” She explained the problem. While still staring at my son, I said, “That behavior will not happen again. If it does, here is my phone number and email address.” Then follow up at home with a discussion with your child. Don’t take the child’s side. If he’s misbehaving at school, he’s misbehaving at school. End of story. Deal with it.
• Do not embarrass children by yelling at them in public.  You don’t like it when your boss dresses you down in front of your co-workers. Don’t do that to your child, even if they are all strangers.
• Allow your child to express his feelings. Don’t downplay them. What he feels is real, to him. How your child perceives a situation, whether you see it the same way or not, is how your child is interpreting what is going on. If he’s sad, empathize with him, even if it was a consequence to an unacceptable behavior. “I’m sorry you can’t have Fluffy Bunny right now, but you were hitting your sister with him. He’s in time-out. You can have him back (whenever the time period you have previously stated is over).” “I know you are unhappy that Suzy has to go home, but you still need to pick up your toys. You can play again next week at your playdate.” If they can’t express why they are angry, sad, frustrated, try to help them find words to tell you what is going on.
• Listen to you child and look him in the eyes when he is talking to you. Don’t be looking at your phone, the television, or a book you may be reading. Get down to his level if you can. Ask him to explain if you don’t understand what he’s trying to tell you.
• Do not set your expectations so high that the chance of failure prevents your child from trying. If anything, set an expectation lower, then praise your child when he does well and tell him, “You did great! Next time let’s try (something a little harder) and see how you do. I know you can do it!”
• Encourage your child to be proud of his name, his ideas, and his work. Even if it is a little “out of the box”, it’s still something he thought up and is proud of. Don’t let him get stressed over name calling at school. If it is an unusual name, tell him what it means, or who it came from–say a famous grandparent. Don’t let others distort his name into something else unless that is what your child wants.
• Give your child recognition for the effort he makes, even though it may not come up to your expectations. Cub Scout motto, “Do Your Best.” If that is all the better he can do, at this point, praise him. Raise your expectations slowly, and your child will rise to the opportunity. You child wants to make you proud, and she will go to the best of her ability to make it happen.
• Answer your child’s questions openly, honestly, and immediately, if possible. If you can’t, come back to it as soon as possible, saying, “You know when you asked about ____? I can talk now. What did you want to know?” My children have asked the most embarrassing questions at the most inappropriate times. Like recent surgery in the middle of church….. Or something they learned in sex ed at school at a restaurant. If you don’t know the answer, look it up. I can’t tell you how many time I’ve had to look stuff up to make sure I have it right. You feel uncomfortable talking about it? Sex education, smoking pot, drinking. Have a spouse or a close relative who is comfortable talk about it with your child. I had males in the church talk about boy/man things I know nothing about with my son.
• Take your child with you on trips when you run errands and involve him in decision-making. Go someplace unusual. One long vacations, I try to go to museums, National Parks, plays, etc. Make sure these activities are age appropriate. If you have an open day, get out a map and show your child an area, and tell him to pick someplace in the area to go to.
• Build a file of momentos of things in which your child has participated. I keep a file of stuff for each school year where everything goes. My kids also have “memory cans” where things from their pre-school years went. They can choose in the future whether to keep them for their kids or not.
• Point out and appreciate unique qualities in your child that make him special. My son loves jazz and his trombone. My daughter knows ASL and loves to read. She’s hard of hearing and plays the flute in band.
• Do not compare one sibling to another. Unless you are comparing ways they are alike. “You both have Daddy’s nose.” Or ways they are unique from one another. “Davy loves swimming in the waves at the beach. Marty loves to build sand castles.” Never compare in a way that makes one sibling out to be better than the other. Never, ever play favorites with your children. Acknowledge that they are different from each other, and the consequences that are dealt out for similar behavior may be different, but both (or all) children are given a consequence for their negative behavior. For example, both kids have trouble finishing dinner. It’s more effective to have Suzy skip afternoon snack the next day because you’ve found she tends to fill up on snack and not eat dinner, but for Davy he won’t get a bedtime snack. Same misbehavior, but different consequence that is tailored to each specific kid.

Positive Ways to Encourage Children’s Growth:

• Show children you like them. Hands on in a positive way. Hugs are always good.
• Provide a model for intellectual curiosity. If you want your child to turn off the TV and read a book, you need to do the same. If you want your child to eat healthy, guess what, you have to eat healthy as well. In other words, no carrot sticks for the kids if you are going to eat potato chips. Even eating out at McDonalds you can do this. Get a salad with your burger instead of fries. You’d be surprised how many kids like salad! Especially with Ranch dressing.
• Reward responsible behavior and tasks you ask them to complete. If you give your children an allowance (usually a dollar a year), only give it to them if they have completed the jobs you have previously agreed on. If cleaning their room and emptying the dishwasher was part of that agreement and they failed to do those chores, they don’t get their allowance. Set up jobs that aren’t normally done for them to raise money. I was paid $.10 a shirt to iron my dad’s shirts when I was a teenager. $1.00 a window to wash. $20 a week one summer to keep our HUGE lawn mowed.
• Require your child to complete certain tasks starting at an early age. Even as early as 18 months (toddler) children can be taught to pick up toys and put them back in a toy box or on a shelf. My son loved getting into my pots and pans. He learned that if he got them out, he had to stack them and put them back. Reinforce, “If you get it out, you have to put it away.” Consequences can be that if mom picks up the toys, they go into a closet and can’t be played with the rest of the day.
• Set aside time each day to give your child your undivided attention. No cell phones, no TV, no other siblings (if possible). Learn to listen to what your child has to say. Ask leading questions (not yes or no).
• Encourage organization at an early age. Put a desk and bookshelves in his room. Have him make his bed everyday. After dinner, wash own dishes and place in dishwasher.
• Help your child discover his natural gifts. My son’s was music. I haven’t an athletic bone in my body, and my son learned early on that he really didn’t either. He had to work twice as hard to be as good as some of the other kids in his class or on his team. But he inherited music from me and my father. I have encouraged him from day one to run with it. And, until he could drive, got him where he needed to go. My daughter loves to read. Both my kids are always asking for stuff. I had to teach them “No means NO!” They also learned that if they kept asking after my initial denial. “And No also means ‘Stop Asking!'” They can repeat this back to me word for word. However, the one thing I will always buy them if they ask is a book. I try to encourage books above their reading level. If they come to me with a word they don’t know, I always explain it to them, even if I have to look it up to explain it better. Knowledge will always get you places. I also never talked to them in baby talk when they were little. I used words I would use with an adult. When my son finally started talking at age 2, he was talking in short, complete sentences, and not gobbly gook.
• Work with you child’s teacher. They are with them all day in pre-school and school. They can see where your child might be struggling. They can suggest things that can be done at home to help, or you can suggest things to them that you’ve learned. The more everyone is on the same page, the more your child will succeed in life. The saying “It takes a village to raise a child” isn’t so far fetched.
•  Encourage your child’s growing independence and autonomy (ability to become self-reliant). Let them make clothing choices for school each day, even if it is the same pink shirt and skirt they wore the day before, as long as it isn’t too dirty. Let them wear their princess tutu to school if allowed, or their pink princess cape. Try not to get into a power struggle over simple things. Let them choose their own healthy after school snack, or help make it. Pour their own milk or juice if able. One big thing for me was potty-training. My child wanted to sit on the potty for over half an hour. My thing is sit down, do your business, clean, get up. I was also trying to pack up a household at the same time. I didn’t have time  to sit in a bathroom making sure it was safe. This was a battle I was willing to fight. The one  about the pink shirt and skirt everyday I wasn’t, even though half the class thought those were the only clothes my daughter owned.
• We can treat our children with respect by letting them solve their own problems. Unless the situation is dangerous, let kids solve their own falling out with friends. Let them get out of an embarrassing situation they’ve put themselves in. Of course, if asked, you can always suggest something, but don’t leap in unless it starts to turn into a disaster. When kids are older, ask them what they think an appropriate consequence could be for a particular misbehavior. My sister was a principle when a young perpetual troublemaker was brought to her office–again. Having tried a lot of things, she actually asked him what he thought should be his punishment. He came up with several appropriate things, and they agreed on one. Kids, when given an opportunity to be involved in discipline, will often come up with things they really don’t like to do, and may actually be more severe than what you might come up with. Being involved in the discipline process also makes them more motivated to actually change the negative behavior on their own terms instead of yours.

Six Step Problem Solving Technique:

1. State the problem.
2. Brainstorm the alternatives.
3. Select at least one possible solution.
4. Implement the chosen solution.
5. Reassess the plan.
6. Start over, if unsuccessful.

The author of the original article is Katharine C. Kersey. She is a professor and chairperson of the Department of Child Studies and Special Education of Old Dominion University in Norfolk, VA.

Personal comments and suggestions are from Karen Emerson